Daffodils In Jam
A man asked his son what he would like for his forthcoming sixth birthday. The son said he wanted a hamster so the man visited the local pet shop. There he found the perfect hamster who was in the peak of health so he bought it. He also bought a cage with a wheel and a water bottle. As he was leaving the store owner said “Any problems what-so-ever, just come back here. I live right above the shop and I’ll help you out any time you want.”
The man put the hamster and cage in his car and drove home. He left them in there until his son had gone to bed so that he wouldn’t see them when he brought them in. Next morning is the son’s birthday so the man gets up early to wrap the other presents and to check on the hamster. He is horrified to see that the hamster is lying dead in the bottom of the cage with it’s legs in the air! He realises that his son will be distraught as he’s talked about nothing else for weeks! Quickly he pulled on his coat and drove round to the pet shop and knocked on the owner’s door. He explains the problem and the owner is quite understanding and gives the man a new hamster, refusing to take any payment for it.
The man then says “What can I do with the old one? I don’t want to bury it as the cat may dig it up and I don’t want to throw it away in case my son sees it in the bin”.
The pet-shop owner replies “What I do is mix up a strong sugar solution – about 1.5kg of sugar and 2 litres of water, bring it to the boil and then add the hamster and simmer for about two hours, stirring periodically. It makes quite a nice jam.”
The man says thank you and that he will try the rather strange recipe and then dashes home with the new hamster. He gives the new hamster to his son who is thrilled with it and promptly goes off to play with it. The man then decides to try the pet-shop owner’s recipe so goes to the supermarket to get some sugar, then gets the largest saucepan he has and starts cooking. After two hours, the mixture has become jam-like so the man decides to try it. He gets a slice of bread and smears a layer on and takes a bite. And it is (not unsuprisingly) absolutely revolting! In disgust he throws the rest of the mixture out of the window, all over his garden, and does his best to forget about the whole thing.
But after a few days he notices that daffodils are springing up all over his lawn. He is at a loss to explain it as he’s never had any in his garden before! Next day, his son asks him to take him to the pet-shop as he wants to get some more food for the hamster so the man agrees. Whilst his son is looking around at the other animals, the pet-shop owner, recognising the man, comes over to talk to him.
“So”, he said, “did you try that recipe I gave you?”
“Yes, but it tasted disgusting so I threw it out the window. Odd thing is, where is landed I’ve got daffodils growing!”
“Daffodils?” asked the store owner, “Are you sure? You usually get tulips from hamster-jam”
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Bacon Tree
There are two guys who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they’re at death’s door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a small tree off in the distance.
As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There’s smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts. And the smell… oh, the glorious smell!”
“Look Pepe,” says the first man. “It’s a bacon tree!”
“You’re right!” says Pepe, “We’re saved!”
Pepe doesn’t wait another second. He runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But just as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there’s the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe.
“Pepe!! Pepe!! What on earth happened?”
And with his dying breath Pepe calls back: “Ugh, run, run!! It’s not a Bacon Tree after all…”
“…its a ham bush!”
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The Gloop Maker
There once was a sailor returning to his ship. Just as he approached the edge of the dock, he slipped and fell into the water between ship and dockside. As he hit the water, the ship began to swing toward the harbour wall, and he would have been crushed to death had not a little man, with great presence of mind, thrown a rope and hauled him to safety.
“Whew, thanks!” said the sailor. “You saved my life. Tell me, is there anything I can do for you in return?”
“Well actually,” said the man, “there is something. I’d dearly like to work aboard ship and, in fact, I was just on my way to look for a job when I saw you in the water. If you could put in a word for me. I’d be greatly obliged.”
“Done!” said the sailor. He took the little man on board and tracked down his immediate superior. “This man saved my life just now, and he really would very much like to have a job on the ship.”
“Well, I don’t know,” said the Petty Officer. “We have a full ship’s complement, but I’ll certainly put in a word on his behalf to my superior. What does he do?”
“I’m a Gloop Maker,” said the little man eagerly.
Not wishing to appear ignorant in front of his subordinate, the Petty Officer didn’t like to ask what exactly a Gloop Maker was, so he went to see the Chief Petty Officer.
“This man saved the life of one of my seamen,” he told the Chief. “Do you think we could find him a job aboard? He’s a Gloop Maker.”
Not wishing to appear ignorant in front of his subordinate, the Chief asked the Warrant Officer, who asked the Sub-Lieutenant and so on, all the way through the chain of command until the request reached the Captain. After congratulating the little man, the Captain, not wanting to appear ignorant, named him ship’s Gloop Maker and ordered the Supply Officer to provide whatever materials were necessary for work to commence.
The little man asked for a strong block and tackle fitted up on the afterdeck, a small stool, a hammer and chisel, a portable furnace, a lump of iron measuring four metres by four metres, several kilograms of copper and several more of silver.
As the ship sailed, the little man set his stool alongside the huge chunk of iron, lit the furnace and began to melt down the copper and silver. Then, with much hammering and chiselling, he began to add blobs of copper and curlicues of silver to the sides of the lump of iron.
Each day crew members stopped and stared at the wondrously strange thing taking shape at the ship’s stern. But not wishing to appear ignorant, nobody asked the Gloop Maker what he actually was making.
“Coming along nicely,” said the captain as he made his daily rounds. “Any idea precisely when it will be –ah– ready?”
“Oh yes,” said the man. “At 1400 hrs. on July 15 we shall sail through the centre of the Bermuda Triangle. That’s when it’ll be ready, and I’d like the crew assembled on deck at that hour, if you please, sir.”
And so, the great day dawned, the men assembled and the Gloop Maker put down his hammer and chisel. Proudly he stood back and indicated that the block and tackle should be lowered onto his masterpiece, whose copper and silver curlicues gleamed in the sun. Carefully he directed it to be lifted from the deck and swung round until it hung over the sea at the ship’s stern.
“Ready, steady, go!” he cried, and he cut it free. And, as it fell into the deep blue waters of the Atlantic, it went, “GLOOP!”
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The Stern Captain
A cargo ship is traveling from the US to Europe with a cargo of various consumer goods. The journey is proceeding on schedule, until suddenly, right in the middle of the Atlantic, they encounter a bad squall and some of the containers at the rear of the ship get washed overboard.
Quite aside from the loss of the cargo, this is also a problem because the ship’s load is now severely unbalanced and in these rough seas they can’t take on enough ballast to compensate.
The captain orders his crew to move all the forward containers of beauty soap aft, which should get them back to level. The crew get to work, and when they’re done the bo’sun reports in.
“Did you move it all?” asks the captain.
“Aye, sir, we’ve left no Tone unsterned.”
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Golfing Revolution
The golfing world is celebrating a new invention that promises to revolutionise the sport.
The new device that is receiving so much attention is called the “bee nut”. It is a fastening attachment that allows a player to adjust the head on their club to any angle, thus saving the need to carry a bagful of clubs. Thus, for example, a player can use the same club to putt with as they used to get out of the sand trap.
Golf clubs with this modification are selling quickly, and players everywhere are taking golfing picnics, so they can try their new “bee-nut putter sand-wedge”.
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The Warden’s New Kitchen
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden knew that, deep down, Andy was a good person. So, the warden made arrangements for the inmate to learn a trade while doing his time.
Some three years later, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often, he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for citizens of the community. And he always reported back to prison by early Sunday evening. Andy was a model inmate.
One day, the warden considered remodeling his kitchen, though he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to do the job for him.
To the warden’s surprise, Andy simply refused to help.
“But you’re an expert, Andy, and I really need your help,” said the warden.
“Gosh, warden, I’d really like to help you, but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place.”
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Coffee Complaint
A man walks into a coffee shop, and is given a huge mug which he takes to his table. But when he tries to drink it, he find that instead of coffee, the mug contains a pair of beige cotton trousers. So he goes to complain.
The counter staff are not very helpful, so after arguing with them for some time, he eventually gets them to call the shop manager. The manager is very indignant – “But it’s exactly what you asked for”, he says.
“No it isn’t!” says the customer, “how can this possibly be what I ordered?”
“It’s a cup o’ chinos”, says the manager.
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Lost Mouse
A fellow received a mouse for his birthday and he loved it so much that he never parted with it. He took this mouse everywhere, to work, to parties, to the opera… One day, a good friend of his died and so he went to pay his respects. Naturally, he took the mouse, which was perched on his shoulder.
On his way home, he suddenly realized that the mouse was gone! He retraced all his moves for the day and realised that the last place he had seen the mouse was at the funeral. He raced back across town, but it was too late. The mouse must have jumped off his shoulder while he was sitting in the hearse. He spoke to the funeral directors, but they couldn’t find it: it had completely vanished.
The man was filled with grief as he remembered an old adage his mother had told him time and time again as a kid:
Never lock a gift mouse in the hearse.
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Come on Bert !
Bert was a cheese maker in France. He was also keen on raising money for charities. So one year he decides he’s going to run in the Paris marathon, dressed up as a peice of cheese, to raise some money.
He starts training for the event, and getting sponsors to sign his forms. Everything is looking good.
And then comes the day of the race. He oversleeps, and only just arrives at the start line on time. And the cheese outfit is much heavier than he thought it would be. It’s a disaster. He sets off running, but before the first corner, he is already in last place.
His friends and collegues are in the crowd, and they see this, so they decide to shout some encouragement to him.
So they all shout in unison as he gets close: “Camembert!”
