* Ambani *
Atal Bihari goes to see a poor man and says, “I want to arrange a marriage
for your son.”
The poor man replies, “I never interfere in my son’s life.”
Atal responds, “But the girl is Ambani’s daughter.”
“Well, in that case…”
Next Atal approaches Ambani. “I have a husband for your daughter.”
“But my daughter is too young to marry.”
“But this young man is already a vice president of the World Bank.”
“Ah, in that case…”
Finally, Atal goes to see the president of the World Bank.
“I have a young man to be recommended as a vice president.”
“But I already have more vice presidents than I need.”
“But this young man is Ambani’s son-in-law.”
“Ah, in that case…..”
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a =
slow down in the performance of flower and jewelry applications that had =
operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0
In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such =
as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and =
NBA 3.0.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the =
system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no =
avail. What can I do?
Desperate
***************************
Dear Desperate,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while = Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I = THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then = automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0.
But = remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence = 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that = will create SnoringLoudly.WAV files.
DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. = These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited = memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider = buying additional software to improve performance. I personally = recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
***************************
Subject: THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Ooops, excuse me,
There is a beach in France whereby people are allowed to walk and sleep naked on the beach. One afternoon a middle-aged gentleman was resting naked on the beach reading a newspaper. Suddenly a girl aged 10 years appeared. The man was forced to cover his private part with the newspaper. When the girl saw that, she was curious and she asked the gentleman, “What are you hiding”? The gentleman answered, “I am covering a bird so that it doesn’t fly away”. It was windy and very sunny on that
afternoon and as result, the man fell asleep and the wind blew the newspaper.
When the gentleman woke up he was in a hospital surrounded by Doctors and the little girl was narrating how this man got to the hospital.
Doctor: Little girl what happened to this man?
Girl: I was playing along the beach next to this man and previously he had told me that he was hiding a bird with his newspaper. When the wind blew the newspaper away I ran and got hold of the bird in order for it not to fly away and started to play with it. After a little, while it become bigger and turned reddish, I guess it was angry. Then it spat white saliva on my blouse, not once but twice. I also got angry and did
the following.
1. I broke its neck (Ooooouch!),
2. Smashed its eggs (Paaaaaiiiiiin!, Pain!)
3. Set the nest on fire.
4. When I so him sweating I decided to call 911 for help.
be telling your kids and other people’s kids the truth, it
might save you a great deal of pain.
***************************
Subject: VIAGRA
A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, “Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I’ve never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny and potent.”
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer, and takes out a small cardboard box marked with the label, “Viagra Extra Strength,” and says, “Here, if you take these you’ll go wild for twelve hours!”
The guy responds, “Great! Gimme three boxes!”
The next day, the guy walks into the same pharmacy, approaches the pharmacist, and pulls down his pants.
The pharmacist looks in horror at man’s black and blue member.
The man says, “I’m gonna need some Iodex.”
The pharmacist replies, “Iodex ? You’re not going to put Iodex on *that* are you?”
“Nope, it’s for my arms… the girls didn’t show up.”
***************************
Subject: enjoy
John went to his friend’s house unannounced, and he wanted
to spend the night. His friend was sorry that he could not offer
him a whole room, so he said, “You can sleep on the floor in
the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby.”
John said that he would prefer the floor.
The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a
gorgeous young blond. “Hi,” he said, “who are you?”
“I’m Baby, and who are you?”
“I’m stupid,” he said.
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why?”
“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”
***************************
One paki having his business in Iron rods was sitting in office and got a call ….
Indian : “salia (rod) hai? “
Paki : “hai.”
Indian: “gand me dal le” ….and the Indian disconnected the call.
Again on the next day, paki got a call….
Same Indian : “salia hai ?”
Paki (trying to be smart) : “nahi hai”
Indian : “gand me dal lia kya ?” …..
and the Indian disconnected the call.
On the third day again paki got a call from the same Indian Indian :
“salia hai?” Paki (trying to be over-smart) :
“hai bhi or nahi bhi”
Indian : “ander bahar kar raha hai kya? ” ……
and Indian disconnects the call
***************************
There was a rather old-fashioned lady, always quite delicate and =
elegant, especially in language. She and her husband were planning a =
week’s vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a camp ground and asked for =
a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully =
equipped, but didn’t know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She =
just could not bring herself to write the word “toilet” in her letter. =
After much deliberation, she finally came up with the term “bathroom =
commode”. But after writing that down, she still thought she was being =
too forward, so she rewrote the entire letter and referred to the =
“bathroom commode” merely as the “BC”. “Does the campground have its =
own BC?” is what she actually wrote. Well, the campground owner wasn’t =
old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn’t figure =
what the woman was talking about. That “BC” business really stumped him. =
He showed the letter to several couples, but they couldn’t imagine what =
the lady meant either. So the campground owner finally came to the =
conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the =
nearest Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:
DEAR MADAM,
I regret the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the =
pleasure of informing you that a BC is located 9 miles north of the =
campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. It is =
located in a beautiful pine grove and is open only on Sundays and =
Wednesdays. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit =
of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that many =
people take their lunch along and make a day of it. They usually arrive =
early and stay late. My daughter met her husband in the BC. Sometimes =
it is so crowded, there are five to a seat. It may interest you to know =
that right now there is supper planned to raise money to buy more =
seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC. It pains =
me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely not =
due to a lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be =
more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you decide to come =
to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go and =
sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks. We will be sure =
to get a seat up front where you can be seen by everyone.Remember,
we are a friendly community.
Sincerely,
The Campground Owner.
***************************
A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly so she puts him in the
closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she
puts her lover in the closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, “Dark in here”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball”
Man: “That’s nice”
Boy: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Boy: “My dad’s outside”
Man: “OK, how much?”
Boy: “$25.”
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover
are in the closet together.
Boy: “Dark in here”
Man: “Yes, it is”
“I have a baseball mitt.”
Remembering the last time, he asks, “How much?”
Boy: “$75”
Man: “Fine”
A few days later, the boy’s father says to the boy, “Grab your
glove.
Let’s go outside and toss the baseball back and forth.” The boy
says, “I can’t, I sold them.” Father: “How much did you sell them
for?”
Boy:”$100″
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like
that, that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to
take you to church and make you confess.” They go to church and the
father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he
closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The Priest says, “Don’t start that shit again!”
***************************
